Two Falls And A Submission!

My "hopeful expectation" has evolved. As the week progressed my feelings of restlessness did not leave me. In fact by last Friday (30th May) I had my 'lowest' day so far.

I hadn't fallen into despondency, but I had a feeling of discomfort in my gut - that's the best way I can describe it - it felt like discontent! Even now that does not fully describe what I was feeling... I've never felt like it before and I hope I don't feel it again! It wasn't fear - I know fear and have looked fear in the eye before. It wasn't impatience - again patience is a face I know well. I genuinely can't express exactly what it was I was feeling but it was negative, not positive.

So, I wrestled with it. But I found it hard to fight an enemy when I don't know my enemy's name! Then on Friday night I was at a dinner party. I was sat with a couple of friends from church. We were talking about a desire we all have to "do the stuff" that the early Christians did in the New Testament of the Bible. (Read The Acts Of The Apostles). The three of us, each in turn expressed a longing to see Christ glorified through miracles, such as healing, raising people from the dead, casting out evil spirits and the like. But most of all we want to see the world realise the truth of the Gospel of Christ. We began to discuss the recent "revival" in Florida and the miracles that seem to be happening there. I made the comment to my friends "If only we knew what it is that we need to learn, what it is we need to be or do in order for us to be ready for God to allow those things to happen through us!"

My good and wise friend John rebuked my comment saying "There is nothing we can do to MAKE this stuff happen. It will happen in God's timing and it will only happen when he commands it!" I thought about his comments. I think he is right! I learned an important lesson at that point as I reflected on John's wisdom.

Then on Sunday night before church I met with the rest of the prayer team to pray and prepare for the service ahead. I found myself longing to see God perform miracles in our church. I prayed a prayer of submission and then hoped that God would use me, or at least use one of us to begin performing miracles during the service. I realised later that whilst God had clearly moved and worked through our prayer with others, it wasn't the dramatic miracles I had longed for and anyway, I was still trying to be and do the right things in order to quicken the process. I hadn't learned from John's comment after all!

Tonight I was praying and preparing for a course I run at our church. It was as I was doing so and reflecting on the last few days that I realised I'd made the same mistake twice - striving to be better, to do the right things, in order that I (how arrogant of me!) could facilitate the situation where God would use me sooner! What a fool! Talk about "Not-so-Speedy-on-the-uptake!!!" That title for this blog was sooooooo prophetic!

So tonight I have come to a place (I think - I hope!) of absolute submission! I know I cannot make things happen. I can't be or do anything to speed God's revelation of His future plans for my life - He'll do that when he's ready! I can't be or do anything to create the right environment for God to begin to perform miracles of healing, etc through me - He will do it when He is ready and when it is (if it is!) part of His plan!

So, I submit to Christ! His is, after all, in control! He designed me. He made me for a purpose! I cannot dictate that purpose I can only submit to it, in the knowledge that by doing so He can truly use me to the fullness of my potential - The potential he placed in me!

Lord, I submit my whole self to you and your plans. I will not try to make things happen any more. I will not try to force your hand. I empty myself of all that I am. I empty myself of any spirit of independence, of striving and of pride that makes me want to dictate my future. In fact, I submit my future to you. It is no longer mine, but yours! Do with it - do with me what you will! I submit everything that I am and everything that i have to your will and service. Please fill me with your spirit so that it is no longer my life, but rather you living in me and working through me - according to your plans, your desires and your will. Glorify your name Lord!

Amen!