I can be quite the pessimist at times! I'm good at spotting what's wrong, what's going to go wrong or identifying failure or inadequacy! It was because of that that i chose the name i did for this blog. However, it seems strange that I chose the name "not-so-speedy" and the picture of the Tortoise for this blog! I chose them because I do not consider myself to be the fastest of movers / learners. I can be quite the reflector at times. Little did I know what was coming when I began this blog. It is turning into a journey that has a casual pace to it!
A friend, one of my best friends, recently described me as being someone who is very much the activist, driving on to do things and get things done, someone who is always on the go. Indeed another friend describes me as "spontaneous and impulsive" and my best man as "someone who, when he decides to do something, just goes for it and does it!"
Given that context the learning process I am now going through is... SLOW! Other words I thought of there were "painful", "laborious" and something that describes something that just doesn't seem to be moving at all! The reason why those words aren't right for this situation is that I'm actually not experiencing 'pain' or 'labour' and things are moving... a bit, slowly but surely.
This journey is much more about two other words... Faith and Patience. So far I don't think I'm doing too badly on the first one! I am happy with the decision(s) I have made (to follow God's will and call and leave my previous job) and I believe that God will open doors as time moves on. So far I have barely had any 'wobbles' about the uncertainty of the future - despite there being little in the way of developments and clarity about what exactly my future direction will be! So I think, at the risk of sounding prideful, I'm doing O.K. on the 'Faith' stakes.
Patience... hmmmm! I look at some people around me and I consider myself to be quite a patient person! I don't actually consider myself to be the driven person that (some of) my friends perceive! (I'm not saying they are wrong by the way! - Perception IS reality!) I'm not driven in the usual way that the world describes 'driven people'. I'm not driven to be a successful businessman. I'm not driven to earn lots of money - though if it comes then I will consider it a gift from God. I'd love to have lots of nice things and I do find myself coveting things like huge flat-screen TVs, nice holidays, etc. But I also easily recognise the emptiness that they possess! If those things come, then that's nice...but they're not the be all and end all for me. I'm struggling with IMpatience but not in the way I expected to!
Faith and Patience at first glance would seem inextricably linked! In fact I believe that they are. Doesn't faith feed our ability to be patient? The more faith I have the more patiently I can wait. So, it seems "logical" to expect that if I'm experiencing Faithfulness that I also experience Patience. But it's not quite like that!
What I am experiencing now is a different kind of impatience, despite my faith in God's greatness. I'm excited about the future and what God has planned for me. My impatience, is for seeing it come to fruition! My impatience is on based on hope not desperation! It's a funny place to be and not where I expected to be - not how I expected to feel 6 weeks after having given up my 'worldly' security to follow what I believe to be God's will for my life. I much more expected to be seeing things happen "soon" because if they don't then my financial security begins to come into question. But in fact, whilst I do have times when I think and wonder where the 'work' is going to come from, I don't find myself 'worrying' about it. I instead, find myself impatient to see what God has in store.
I guess the best description of what I'm experiencing is "Impatient expectation"... Or is it "hopeful expectation."
I can't wait to see how God is going to use me in the future. I have grow up with a belief that He's going to use me in some great way. I've waited too long to give Him control of my life. Now that I have given Him control I want it all now! But, in line with the title of this blog, I expect that, now that I've finally given Him control, He needs to do some work on me, in me before I am ready for Him to fulfil His purpose and plans!
Bring it on... when I am ready!
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1 comment:
Well, Not-so-speedy, what an ironic name indeed.
Henry Minztberg describes three kinds of attitudes: Drivers, Passengers and Road Kill. Now he's talking about companies but I've always thought that they could so easily apply to the attitudes of people. You are definitely a driver. You are, however, letting God do the navigating and routeplanning. Good call - he's not TomTom as you know - he will get you there. However in your "hopeful expectation", perhaps eager expectation? give Him space to surprise you. Be expectant, surely and abide with Him; keep up that example for us - you're a great light to many around you, but keep up the patience and don't miss what He may be reevaling around you - it may not be quite be what you expect (yet might still be what you hope for or feel called to...)
For me, Psalm 37 seems to describe your journey thus far (highlighted in the last few weeks..) - (just imagine you're already following vv 3-6)
3 Trust in the Lord and do good;
dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture
4 Delight yourself in the Lord
and he will give you the desires of your heart
5 Commit your way to the Lord
trust in him and he will do this:
6 He will make your righteousness shine lke the dawn,
the justice of your cause like the noonday sun
7 Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him...
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