Half The Man I'm Meant To Be?

I never take baths! Always a shower. But a number of times recently I've elected to take the "slower route" to my ablutions - having a bath!

I've been caught up reading books recently - Again something I don't usually have much time to do. Business man, father, husband, leader in the church... you know how it goes! Everything is pulling on me demanding a piece of me and my time. That's why I haven't had time to take baths...until now! Now that I've created space in my life by resigning from the company I've found more time... although I have also discovered that, if I'm not careful, it is easy to let it leak away doing useless things!

The books I've been reading are...

"Surprised By The Voice Of God" by Jack Deere

"Good Morning Holy Spirit" by Benny Hinn

and "The Shack" by William P Young

I have read "Surprised" before, about 12 years ago. I decided to re-read it because I found it useful back then, and with everything that is going on in my life now I thought "Wouldn't do any harm to re-read it now." I feel I have a deeper knowledge and understanding in my faith now than when I read it the first time, so I thought that re-reading it might bring new things to light that I hadn't noticed or understood the last time around.

I was only a couple of chapters into "Surprised" when I began watching the "Florida Outpouring" on the God Channel (Sky TV channel 760 / 761 from about 9pm every night!) - Fascinating to watch what is going on there and clearly some people are genuinely being healed! Anyway, Todd Bentley the guy who is leading this revival referred to Benny Hinn's book - "Good Morning Holy Spirit!" and my wife Carrie said, "I've got that!" She went and got it out and gave it to me. I started reading it the next day, instead of 'Surprised' and found myself drawn into it.

A day or two later, I went away on business, staying in a hotel in Birmingham overnight and took 'Good morning' with me. I was gripped by it! I was intrigued and fascinated by the relationship Hinn has - a close intimate relationship - with the Holy Spirit of God. Unfortunately I left it in my room the day I checked out! So, I phoned and asked them to post it to me which they did... but I felt stranded without it - like I was in the midst of a question, but not sure what the question was.

A few days later, Sunday 15th June was Father's Day and my family bought me "The Shack" as part of my father's day pressie. I immediately started reading it. I'd heard that it was flying off the shelves in the bookshops.

I found myself even more gripped by this story! Interesting for me because I normally enjoy factual (biographies, etc) rather than fictional books. I finished it within 3 days fitting it in around any work, chores, family stuff, etc., whenever I could. I was amazed at how Young expressed the character of God, Father, Son and Holy Spirit - Trinity, three-in-one. I found it profound how he described the relationship between each of the trinity personalities of God, and also how they each related to the human character in the tale, called Mack. In fact, I also enjoyed Mack's struggles and perceptions as he interacted with each of the Godhead personalities. It is a wonderfully gentle, yet powerful book - which when you consider the plot, which is harrowing and uneasy to read at times, is quite a statement!

I think there were one or two points in 'The Shack' that I felt uncomfortable with 'theologically', but my overall impression was that I wanted others to consider the nature of God in the way I had when I had read that book. I think that it was quite a spiritual experience reading it!

Almost with disappointment I finished 'The Shack' and now I'm back with Benny, picking up on where I left off with "Good morning".

After my visit to the physio this a.m., I came home hot and sweaty, so elected to have another bath so that I could read some more. Under the sub-title "Following His Voice" (p72) Hinn points to Romans 8 v 5:

"Those who live according to the sinful nature have their minds

set on what that nature desires; but those who live in

accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the Spirit desires."

I don't think I would have uderstood that verse in anywhere near the same way 6 months or a year ago like I do now! I can make my choices and decisions in life 'according to the sinful nature' - i.e. in my own strength and wisdom, OR... I can make those decisions through consultation and close relationship with God - Father, Son and Holy Spirit! I've done the latter on occasions. But what if I were to let God guide and direct me in ALL things? About what work to do, about what to do this evening, about what food to buy, about which route to drive from A to B? Hmmm... all sorts of possibilities begin to open up!

What I've realised is that I'm only being half (if that!) the man that God created me to be. He created me in his image - that is to say, to reflect Him and his nature. He has given me a spiritual side that he wants me to express and exercise that part of me. I have (I believe) lots of spiritual potential - plenty of room for growth - growing into the person that God had intended me to be.

A few lines later on the same page, Hinn refers to the "one great question" that he was carrying with him and asking God - "How can I really know you?" I found myself wondering, as I lay in the bath, "Is there any greater question that I can ask than that one?"

As I ask it, it leads me into a deeper knowledge and understanding of God. As I ask it, He reveals more of himself to me and as I come to know Him more, I will grow to fulfil the potential he has placed in me - I won't be able to help myself!

It's NOT all about me!

I have been sitting here for weeks... months in fact, saying I'm not sweating the big stuff, that having faith in the big step(s) has not been difficult... and I genuinely hold to that position. However, what was revealed to me yesterday as Jim prayed with me was about the difficulties of handling the 'small details'.

He was spot on! As he prayed he felt that it was important to exercise faith in the finer details and the 'small' too. This is an area where I have struggled. I've been wrestling with the details of knowing exactly what actions I should be taking in order to find God's plan. Additionally as Jim prayed he also spoke about my family saying that he felt that this was also an area where I should have faith. He pointed out that God has called me into this 'place' and as such He has also called my family into this place. Therefore I should not worry about them or the impact that this decision may be having on them but have faith that God is in control and that He will meet our needs.

The truth is that I have been worried about taking the necessary steps forward because of the possible implications for my family. "What if I am being called to 'live by faith'?" is the question I've been asking myself over the last week or so. 'Living by faith' means not commanding an income or salary in the traditional sense, but rather relying on God to provide for us through financial or other gifts. If this IS what he is calling me to then he needs to direct me in the 'ministry' that He is calling me to. If this IS what He is calling me to, the implications for our family regarding the things that we have almost taken for granted in the past - such as holidays, day trips, the kind of food we eat, where we eat, how we travel - is huge! It will mean a very different lifestyle and way of being as a family. so that's the stuff that I've been sweating about!

During the same service my wife also went for prayer. What was amazing was how God moved and spoke to her at the same time. When we got home from church, I asked her how her prayer time had gone. She came over and sat on my knee and told me that she also had been given 'a word' during that time of prayer about the journey we as a family were on. It was totally congruent with Jim's word to me. This is not just my journey. It is hers!... And it is our children's! And it is our church's journey.

God was clearly saying to us, "This is a journey that you are walking TOGETHER!" It's funny isn't it, how we take these vows to become united in marriage, but actually that is not enough! In order to be truly united, we then need to walk together, sharing the journey - or more accurately sharing our individual experiences of our journey together, working hard to understand one anothers' experience of the journey - in order to be united and of one accord. It is the journey itself that draws us closer to one another.

God has big things planned for us. He is at work. I feel it and know it in my heart - more importantly I'm experiencing it. I'm growing and maturing with each step along the way. One of the outcomes of this particular journey will be that we as a family will be closer and more united than before. That may be the sole purpose of this particular purpose, although I expect that there will be much more to learn along the way. Actually, in truth, that is not the purpose at all! The truth is that this journey we are on is one that leads to His name being glorified and the quickening of His Kingdom coming here on earth. That's the purpose! It's not about me, or my marriage or my work or my children or my church or my faith - It's all about Him.

My part in that journey is about becoming more Christlike. The more I become like Him the more His kingdom is revealed. The more his Kingdom is revealed the ore His will is done "on earth as it is in heaven".

As I reflect on it now, I can see that through His word to me about my family, what he is saying is that he wants me to draw them in more into this experience. Because it is NOT about me, or at least not about me alone, by drawing the family into the journey we share it and experience it together which in turn will draw us together. Furthermore, their experience of having the journey will enrich their lives. As an introvert, I think and work through life experiences INTERNALLY. So to share this with my family means externalising my thoughts in sharing them with the family. As I externalise and share the journey with my family they grow in knowledge and understanding of me thus enabling them to understand, support and love me more for the person that I really am.

But because it is NOT all about me, by sharing the journey with them I will grow in knowledge, understanding and love for each of them also.

Two Falls And A Submission!

My "hopeful expectation" has evolved. As the week progressed my feelings of restlessness did not leave me. In fact by last Friday (30th May) I had my 'lowest' day so far.

I hadn't fallen into despondency, but I had a feeling of discomfort in my gut - that's the best way I can describe it - it felt like discontent! Even now that does not fully describe what I was feeling... I've never felt like it before and I hope I don't feel it again! It wasn't fear - I know fear and have looked fear in the eye before. It wasn't impatience - again patience is a face I know well. I genuinely can't express exactly what it was I was feeling but it was negative, not positive.

So, I wrestled with it. But I found it hard to fight an enemy when I don't know my enemy's name! Then on Friday night I was at a dinner party. I was sat with a couple of friends from church. We were talking about a desire we all have to "do the stuff" that the early Christians did in the New Testament of the Bible. (Read The Acts Of The Apostles). The three of us, each in turn expressed a longing to see Christ glorified through miracles, such as healing, raising people from the dead, casting out evil spirits and the like. But most of all we want to see the world realise the truth of the Gospel of Christ. We began to discuss the recent "revival" in Florida and the miracles that seem to be happening there. I made the comment to my friends "If only we knew what it is that we need to learn, what it is we need to be or do in order for us to be ready for God to allow those things to happen through us!"

My good and wise friend John rebuked my comment saying "There is nothing we can do to MAKE this stuff happen. It will happen in God's timing and it will only happen when he commands it!" I thought about his comments. I think he is right! I learned an important lesson at that point as I reflected on John's wisdom.

Then on Sunday night before church I met with the rest of the prayer team to pray and prepare for the service ahead. I found myself longing to see God perform miracles in our church. I prayed a prayer of submission and then hoped that God would use me, or at least use one of us to begin performing miracles during the service. I realised later that whilst God had clearly moved and worked through our prayer with others, it wasn't the dramatic miracles I had longed for and anyway, I was still trying to be and do the right things in order to quicken the process. I hadn't learned from John's comment after all!

Tonight I was praying and preparing for a course I run at our church. It was as I was doing so and reflecting on the last few days that I realised I'd made the same mistake twice - striving to be better, to do the right things, in order that I (how arrogant of me!) could facilitate the situation where God would use me sooner! What a fool! Talk about "Not-so-Speedy-on-the-uptake!!!" That title for this blog was sooooooo prophetic!

So tonight I have come to a place (I think - I hope!) of absolute submission! I know I cannot make things happen. I can't be or do anything to speed God's revelation of His future plans for my life - He'll do that when he's ready! I can't be or do anything to create the right environment for God to begin to perform miracles of healing, etc through me - He will do it when He is ready and when it is (if it is!) part of His plan!

So, I submit to Christ! His is, after all, in control! He designed me. He made me for a purpose! I cannot dictate that purpose I can only submit to it, in the knowledge that by doing so He can truly use me to the fullness of my potential - The potential he placed in me!

Lord, I submit my whole self to you and your plans. I will not try to make things happen any more. I will not try to force your hand. I empty myself of all that I am. I empty myself of any spirit of independence, of striving and of pride that makes me want to dictate my future. In fact, I submit my future to you. It is no longer mine, but yours! Do with it - do with me what you will! I submit everything that I am and everything that i have to your will and service. Please fill me with your spirit so that it is no longer my life, but rather you living in me and working through me - according to your plans, your desires and your will. Glorify your name Lord!

Amen!